It "feels like I've been dropped on a floating dock in the middle of a familiar lake. I see the shore and know it, but don't really feel like swimming towards it."I love what Em has said here as it really captures what returning home is like - the conflicting emotions of familiarity, loneliness and isolation.
Like Em I was 17 when I left and I too only returned for weeks at a time. I won't lie, there was a year and a half that I did have to return home in between my time in Zimbabwe and Washington, DC. However I refer to this as my rebuilding year as I prepared for the next step - grad school. I even managed to get a grant for Chinese language study, so I felt OK because I was still pursuing my goal. I knew where I was going (grad school) and why (to eventually become an anthropologist - this did not happen).
That's why I like the Floating Dock analogy. It's been about 2 months since I've returned back to California and I am struggling with my attachment to this place. Which is interesting actually as my PhD dissertation was going to look exactly at these issues within resettled populations in China (crooked smile). I've realised it is not only about an attachment to place but also the experiences that you associate with those places. I am having to reconcile the two very different versions of myself - before and after London.
There is a part of me that finds solace in my being a floating dock. It is safe. Until I swim to shore and anchor myself I am not really here, haven't really returned. I can imagine that I am still abroad.
Of course, I can't remain floating out there in the middle of the lake. I have to find a way of becoming attached again. Until I do I won't figure out what's next. For me, that is the secret of returning home. Having to navigate the integration of my experiences and this new identity I have created abroad with my past life here.
(Oh and considering the length of this post, I've taken another cue from Em and had a bit of fun with the colours)
~ T
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